聞いた話２Stories２

　とにかく、俺と結衣が一緒にいた二年間はとても幸せだったと今ならそう言えるよ。一緒にカフェで待ち合わせして過ごしたこと。駅まで手を繋いで帰ったこと。人目につかないように気にしながらいつも帰った道とか。覚えてるよね？「おおきに」だったっけ？あの料理屋の看板が見えると、君は足を停めて俺を引き留めたけど、あの看板を曲がると、もうお別れする駅に着いてしまうからだよね。

　きっと悪いのは俺なんだと思う。もっと早く俺が君に出会っていれば、って口にしてもどうしようもないけど、俺には家庭があるし子どももいるものね。そのことが君をどれだけ傷つけて苦しめていたのか、きっと俺は分かっていなかったんだろう。どれだけ君が俺に好きだと言ってくれても、俺は自分の家庭を捨てることはできないもの。

　だから、だから結衣が新しい彼を作ることを責める権利は俺には無いよ。君がその彼と一緒に過ごして、結婚してもそれ俺が口出しできるものではないから。それは分かってる。

　でも、恥ずかしいことだけど今とても苦しい。明日は君が一朗君と過ごすことを俺は知っていて、それを想像してしまう。結衣は言ったね。この日は一緒にバスケットの試合を見に行くって。もちろん君らはいま付き合っているんだから、それだけでは終わることないと思ってる。その時間が苦しい。だからその日の午後は俺、友達と会うことにして大学時代の友人を呼んだ。どうでもいい話でもしながら時間を過ごさないと夜を耐えられないから。わざと酔って家に帰るつもりだから。

　結衣は俺の事好きだって言ってくれたね。それは本当に信じてる。ずっと、君は俺の事を好きだって言ってくれて、もっと早く出会えたらって言ってくれた。そうだね。俺も君の事がとても大事で、大切に思ってる。

　俺には家庭があって、君には彼氏がいて、お互いにばれないように連絡を取り合っていたらいいんじゃないかって君は言ってくれる。本当に好きなのは俺だけど、でも俺は結婚しているし、結衣だって結婚して子どもも欲しいから。だから、って。

　そんなことができたらよかったかもしれない。

　でも俺は、同じ職場で一朗君が君の話をするのを聞いてる。そのことはとうとう結衣には言えなかった。前に彼が腕の骨を折ったとき、あの頃すでに君らは付き合っていたんだね。自転車で手を離して運転して、それで転んだ一朗君を心配しながら、結衣は「今度こんな馬鹿な事をしたら、もうわたし耐えられない」って言ったんだよね。一朗君は嬉しそうに職場でその話をしていたんだよ。いま彼女がいて、頭が上がらないんです、って俺に教えてくれた。それで彼は今地下鉄通勤だもの。

　その話を聞いても、俺は普通に過ごせたよ。大丈夫。絶対にばれてはいないし、彼だって気付いていないだろうから。

　本当言うと、こんなことはもっと先の事だろうと思ってた。俺と結衣がこれからも一緒に空き時間を合わせて、そしていつか君に好きな人ができたときには……とか思ってた。でも、それが今だとは思わなかった。

　俺はもういい歳なのに、結衣から一朗君と付き合っている、という話を聞いたとき、君らがすぐに破局して、また結衣が俺のところに戻ってくることを願ったよ。そんなのひどく自分に都合のいいことなのに。そうして結衣がまた一人になったとき、俺はどうするつもりか、そんなことも考えずに君らの別れを願ったんだ。

　自分が恥ずかしかった。そんな俺が家に帰って、妻と子どもの相手をする。おかしいよ。それなら結衣をいますぐ迎えに行けばいいだけの話なのに。そして君もそれを望んでいるはずなのに。

　だから結局は、結局は俺がいなくなれば物事はちゃんと収まるところに収まるのだと思う。考えられるのはそれだけ。苦しくても、なんとか時間が解決してくれると思う。そしていつか一朗君が、こんなことは聞きたくないけれども、結衣との結婚を俺に報告するときには、俺はそれをちゃんと笑顔で受け止めて「おめでとう」と言ってあげられると思う。

　広い心を。俺は結衣が大切なのだから、結衣が幸せであるように願うのは当然で、君を幸せにできる相手で俺ではなかったとしても、それを手助けするのは当然だろう。だから俺は、もう会えない結衣のことも、同じ職場の一朗君のことも全部、全部受け止めようと決めた。

　彼が何気なく俺に話す結衣との生活も、受け入れて聞くよ。それで俺が傷ついても構わない。だって俺が何時も帰るたびに、結衣は同じような寂しさや苦しさを感じてきていたんだろうから。

　心が持たないって思ったこともある。何度も何度も、結衣とのやりとり思い出して、そんな君が消えてしまうことが耐えられなかった。

　でも、それは俺が引き受けるべき痛みだ。妻子がいながら結衣のことを好きになった俺が苦しむべき痛みだ。

　彼からの手紙はそんな内容だった。それは三十八歳の男性の字にしては、幼くてへたくそな字だったが、それでも便箋に一字一字文字が連ねてあった。

　彼女はそれを写真に撮った。自分の画像フォルダに入れておいた。

Anyway, I can say now that the two years that Yui and I were together were very happy. Meeting up at the cafe and spending time together. Walking home holding hands to the station. The route we always took home, careful not to be seen by others. Do you remember, right? Was it "Thank you"? Whenever you saw the sign for that restaurant, you stopped and tried to stop me, but if I turned at that sign, I'd arrive at the station where we would say goodbye.

I think it's probably my fault. I know I could say I wish I'd met you sooner, but I have a family and children. I probably didn't realize how much that hurt and tormented you. No matter how much you tell me you love me, I can't throw away my family.

So, so, I have no right to blame Yui for finding a new boyfriend. If you spend time with him and get married, it's not something I can have a say in. I know that.

But, as embarrassing as it may be, it's really painful right now. I know that you'll be spending tomorrow with Ichiro, and I can't help imagining it. Yui told me that we were going to watch a basketball game together that day. Of course, since you're dating now, I don't think it'll end there. That time is painful. So that afternoon, I decided to meet up with friends, and invited a friend from college. I can't stand the night if we don't spend time talking about trivial things. I'm going to deliberately get drunk when I go home.

Yui, you said you like me. I really believe that. You've always told me you like me, and wished we'd met sooner. I agree. I think you're very important to me, and I cherish you too.

You say that I have a family, you have a boyfriend, and we should keep in contact without each other knowing. I really do love you, but I'm married, and you want to get married and have kids too. So...

It would have been nice if I could do that.

But I've heard Ichiro talk about you at the same workplace. I never ended up telling Yui about it. You two were already dating back then when he broke his arm the other day. Ichiro let go of her hand while riding his bike and fell, and Yui, worried about him, said, "If you do something stupid like that again, I won't be able to bear it." Ichiro was talking about it happily at work. He told me that he has a girlfriend now and he can't look her in the eye. And now he commutes to work by subway.

Even after hearing that story, I was able to carry on as usual. It's okay. They definitely haven't found out, and I don't think he's even aware of it.

To be honest, I thought something like this would happen in the future. I thought that Yui and I would continue to spend our free time together, and that one day you'd find someone you liked... But I never thought that it would be now.

Even though I'm already old enough, when I heard from Yui that she was dating Ichiro, I hoped that you two would break up quickly and that Yui would come back to me. Even though that would have been awfully convenient for me. And then when Yui was alone again, I wished for you two to break up, without even thinking about what I would do.

I was ashamed of myself. And yet, I was going home and looking after my wife and child. It was strange. If that was the case, I should have just gone and picked up Yui right away. And I'm sure that's what you would want too.

So in the end, I think that if I'm gone, things will fall into place. That's all I can think about. Even if it's painful, I think that time will heal somehow. And one day, even though Ichiro doesn't want to hear this, when he tells me that he's married Yui, I think I'll be able to accept it with a smile and say, "Congratulations."

Have an open heart. Yui is important to me, so it's natural that I want her to be happy, and even if I'm not the only one who can make her happy, it's natural that I would help her. So I decided to accept everything about Yui, whom I can no longer see, and about Ichiro, who works at the same workplace.

I'll accept and listen to him casually tell me about his life with Yui. I don't mind if it hurts me. Because every time I come home, Yui must have felt the same loneliness and pain.

There were times when I thought I couldn't take it. Over and over again, I remembered our conversations and couldn't bear the thought of you disappearing like that.

But that's a pain that I should bear. It's a pain that I should suffer, as someone who fell in love with Yui even though I have a wife and children.

That was the content of the letter from him. It was childish and clumsy handwriting for a 38-year-old man, but the letters were lined up one by one on the letter paper.

She took a photo of it. She put it in her image folder.