聞いた話３Stories3
一朗と一緒に籍を入れて三年が経つ頃には結衣にも色々なことが見えてきていた。
たとえば彼とは根本的なものの見方が違った。
何かあると周囲ではなく、自分の方に問題があると考えがちな結衣は、そのたびに心を痛めた。一朗にはその気持ちを聞いてもらいたいのに、仕事終わりの二人きりのリビングで、彼は結衣の話を聞くのは好きではないようだった。
彼に言わせると、問題の解決方法ははっきりとこちらが明示しているのに、結衣はそれに行かずにその周辺でずっとうろうろしているというのだった。
よくある話だ。結婚した同僚女性たちの話を聞くとき、彼女たちも多かれ少なかれ似たような物足りなさを夫に感じているのを知ったし、そんなものだと諦めもどこかでできていた。他人同士が一緒に住むとはそういうこともあるのだ。
それを願ったのも自分なら、それを引き受けるのも自分だった。すべてが楽しいことばかりではないことも、思いどおりにもならないことも知っていた。夏休みには旅行に出かけたし、たまに週末はどちらかの家に一泊しに戻った。
結婚も三年目になると、どちらの両親もそろそろ子どもができて欲しいと思っていることは確かで、一度だけ相手側の両親から精力剤が郵送されてきたこともある。何となく気恥ずかしくて、その事についてはふたりともなにも言わなかった。
身体の関係はたまにあったが、積極的に子どもを作るという様子ではなかった。一朗の方はその点については何を考えているのか、結衣にはわからなかった。もしかしたら彼は、夫婦というものはセックス排卵日も関係なく、一緒に過ごせば、いつかコウノトリが赤ん坊を運んでくれるものだと信じているのかもしれなかった。
子どもがいないこともあるかもしれない。
もしかすると彼と別れるかもしれない、とふっと思う事が結衣にはあった。なんと言うこともない日々の中で、その予感が頭をかすめる。ドライヤーで髪を乾かしているとき、洗い物をしているとき、彼を送り出して、自分の仕事の用意をしているとき。生活の隙間にふっと風が差し込むように思いがよぎったが、そんなものは所詮思いでしかない、と結衣は思っていた。毎日の日常が、そんなものを埋めてしまう。
六月のある土曜日、帰宅した一朗が「上司が死んだ」と不意に結衣に言った。
そのときは二人でテレビを観ているときだったが、それで良かった。そのときの表情を一朗に見られなくて結衣は運が良かったとも言えた。
自殺なのか他殺なのか事故なのか、たぶん聞いたら一朗は知っている範囲で答えてくれただろうと分かっていた。けれども結衣は聞かなかった。
「そう」と言ったまま、その日はいつもよりも長く風呂に入った。どれぐらいが適当なのか分からなかったが、結衣は今はひとりきりになりたかった。ちょっと体調がすぐない、と一朗に言って、土曜日だったが結衣は早めに寝室に行った。
一朗はリビングでテレビを観ていたが、一時間もしないうちに飽きたようで寝室に来た。そうして眠ったふりをしている結衣の頭をなでて、自分も隣の布団に入った。
一朗の寝息が聞こえてきても、結衣はまだ眠れなかった。一度、トイレに起きたふりをして明かりのもとに出たが、鏡の前の自分はひどい顔をしていた。けれども、スマホを見ても、本を探しても、どこにもこの気持ちとやるせなさをなくしてくれるようなものは見当たらなかった。
深夜二時半の家の中で、結衣は一人だった。
Three years had passed since she and Ichiro were married, and Yui had begun to see things.
For example, she had a fundamentally different way of looking at things than he did.
Whenever something happened, Yui had a tendency to think that the problem was with her, not with those around her, and it made her feel bad every time it happened. Ichiro wanted her to listen to how she felt, but it seemed like he didn't like listening to her stories when they were alone in the living room after work.
According to him, even though they had clearly explained how to solve the problem, Yui just hung around in the area instead of going for it.
It was a common story. When she listened to the stories of her married female colleagues, she learned that they also felt more or less a similar sense of dissatisfaction with their husbands, and somewhere along the line she had resigned herself to the fact that this was just how it was. That's what happens when two strangers live together.
If it was her who wished for it, it was also her who accepted it. She knew that not everything was fun, and that things didn't always go as planned. They went on trips during summer vacation, and occasionally returned to one of their houses for a night on the weekends.
Now in their third year of marriage, it was clear that both sets of parents were hoping to have children, and once the other's parents had sent an aphrodisiac by mail. It felt somehow embarrassing, so neither of them said anything about it.
They occasionally had a physical relationship, but it didn't seem like they were actively trying to have children. Yui didn't know what Ichiro was thinking about that. Maybe he believed that if a couple spent time together, the stork would bring them a baby one day, regardless of sex or ovulation date.
It might be that they didn't have children.
Yui sometimes had the thought that she might break up with him. This premonition would cross her mind during the course of her ordinary days. When she was drying her hair with a hairdryer, when she was doing the dishes, when she had sent him off and was getting ready for work. The thought crossed her mind like a breeze filling a gap in her life, but Yui thought that such things were just thoughts after all. The everyday routine filled such thoughts.
One Saturday in June, Ichiro came home and suddenly told Yui, "My boss has died."
They were watching TV together when it happened, but that was a good thing. Yui was lucky that Ichiro didn't see her expression at that moment.
Yui knew that if she had asked Ichiro if it was suicide, murder, or an accident, he would have answered to the best of his knowledge. But Yui didn't ask.
She said, "Yes," and took a longer bath than usual that day. She didn't know how long was appropriate, but she wanted to be alone. She told Ichiro that she wasn't feeling well, and went to the bedroom early, even though it was Saturday.
Ichiro was watching TV in the living room, but after an hour he seemed to get bored and came into the bedroom. He stroked Yui's head as she pretended to be asleep, and got into the futon next to her.
Even though she could hear Ichiro's breathing, Yui still couldn't sleep. Once, she pretended to have woken up to go to the bathroom and stepped out into the light, but she looked awful in the mirror. But she checked her smartphone and searched through books, and couldn't find anything that could make her feel less helpless and helpless.
It was 2:30 in the morning and Yui was alone in the house.
